My sweet babies. You’re both asleep right now. Finally. 😉 It’s been a long couple of days. I’ve changed my job positions so that I can make my own schedule in an attempt to spend more time with my family and be able to take care of you all and our home better without completely killing myself. Still, there are times when mama has to work. The past few days, not only did mama and daddy both have to work, but then Rowan was sick and the house was a mess. It’s been a week of fevers, tears, snuggling in bed, cuddling and watching cartoons on the couch, work for mama and daddy, cleaning the house, and more snuggling with the babies. It’s not always easy. Life is hard work sometimes. But it is worth it.
I try to remember that every day we have together is a gift. I am 35 years old right now. My father was 64 years old when he died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I think about how if my fate were the same, if I were lucky enough to have another 30 years with my family, it would still never, ever be enough. I want to be there to watch you go through life. To kiss away your tears and snuggle you while you are babies. To play with you and teach you through your childhood. To struggle with you, by your side, through the hard years of adolescence and teenager-dom. To watch you grow into adults and admire the ways you will develop into your own beautiful personalties. To share all the beauties and heartaches of life with you both. Love, loss, learning, exploring, college, careers, marriage, babies. All of it.
I want to be there for you in all of it and love you the whole way along. Because I do love you so much, both of you. And because life is hard sometimes. Sometimes all you need is that one person to love and support you. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that I will be able to do this. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. But my love for you is. The fact that this world is filled with beauty is guaranteed. The fact that my love for you will never die is a guarantee.
That is one of the reasons that I write these letters to you. Losing my own father so suddenly did one thing to me for sure. It made me realize forevermore that we never know what day may be our last. And I never want you to question or have to wonder how I felt about you both. You are everything to me. You are the most beautiful, amazing beings in the world as far as I am concerned. Please know this always.
Dylan you are five now and in kindergarten. You fuss sometimes about going to school, but you always have a great day when you’re there. You are so friendly. You could make friends with anyone. You do make friends anywhere we go. Your sweet, outgoing nature is one of your most beautiful characteristics. And you are such a smart and witty little boy.
Rowan, you are two right now. And you love your mama so much. Thank you. Thank you for all your sweet kisses and sudden, tender, loving embraces. You make me slow down when I’m rushing around in the world. When I’m not spending enough time playing with my babies. When I’m working and stressing too much. You make me stop. You remind me that the time I spend snuggling with you and your brother and enjoying your sweet love IS THE MOST IMPORTANT, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN MY LIFE. Thank you, baby girl. You are so beautiful and strong. I pray that I empower your beauty and strength and help support you in growing into the amazing young lady I know you are destined to be.
We spend most of our days playing around the house, mama cleaning or trying to get something done in between stopping to pay you two attention, give you love, or take care of whatever it is you are in need of. At the ages of five and two, you both frequently need something. It is alot of work. But it is the best work. You are both the pieces of me that will live on hopefully long after I am gone. You are by far the best things that I will leave in this world. I have other passions, endeavours, and obligations in life, but every bit of love and patience I can give to you is a seed of beauty planted in the world.
I tell you these things in the hopes that when you are someday in this same place, as I hope you will someday be (parents to my grandbabies, trying to find your way in the world while still being good, loving parents), you will have these words to remind you that I understand, that me and your daddy were once there, also. It is not always easy. But do the best you can. Be patient. Give yourself a break when you need it. Don’t be afraid to stop what you are doing and give love to the ones you love the most, even if that means taking off work or letting the house get a mess. These moments we have together to love one another are to be appreciated and cared for. Remember what is most important to you and don’t be afraid to put those people and things first in your life.
Everyday is a gift, a chance to bring joy and peace into your own life and into the lives of others. Do not take this life for granted. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Life can be hard at times, but remember that if you look for it, you will find the beauty. Be grateful for everyday and every beauty. Being able to appreciate the good things in life is the best way to keep more good things coming your way. You are beautiful. You are amazing. Your mama (and many others) love you so, so much. Be gentle with yourself. Love and take care of yourself first. It is not selfish to do so. It is the only way that you can truly love and take care of others.
“Accept yourself. Love yourself as you are. Your finest work, your best movements, your joy, peace, and healing comes when you love yourself. You give a great gift to the world when you do that. You give others permission to do the same: to love themselves. Revel in self-love. Roll in it. Bask in it as you would sunshine.” ~ Melodie Beattie
“To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self esteem, is capable of love – because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed value. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone” ~ Ayn Rand
Another reason that I write these letters to you is because writing is something I love. It’s what helps me reconnect to myself when life becomes overwhelming. It helps me to express myself and remember what I am most passionate about. It is what keeps me sane at times, or atleast as close to sanity as I can get. You will have these things in life, also. Things that bring you joy and peace and remind you of who you are. Do not neglect these things either. Whether it is writing, music, nature, art, wood working, reading, dancing, singing, meditation, spirituality, gardening. Or all of the above! Whatever it is that rejuvenates your spirit and brings peace to your psyche. Give time to these things. Take care of yourself: your mind, body, and spirit.
Thank you for all of your precious love. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person. Thank you for your sweet kisses and warm snuggles. Thank you for your joy and bringing out the best in me.
I love you forever, and I am so proud to be your mama.