Childhood Alfresco

Happiness, Parenting
My childhood was no where near glamorous. We didn’t live in the lap of luxury. We were poor at times. We were lower middle class during the best of times. But my childhood was nothing if not fun. I thank my mother for much of that fact. Her love for travel and the outdoors kept us exploring most of the United States throughout my whole childhood. Couple this with my love for reading and all things mystical and beautiful, any small expedition sparked my imagination so that it could become a great journey in my mind and in my soul.
With my mother’s blood flowing through my veins and her love for exploring in my heart, I find myself frequently dragging our kids along on some expedition. Clarify: when you have four kids, any little trip is an expedition. Sometimes there’s whining and complaining. There’s pretty much always some form of fighting and/or arguing, in between them all. And there may be times that at some point our adventure seems like more work than it’s worth. But the truth is… THEY LOVE IT. As do I.
It was one of our most recent little adventures that led me to realize the extent of how much our children love exploring and being outdoors. For my step-son’s birthday, we called it a day-off for everyone. We packed up in the minivan and drove out to Red Rock Canyon, Oklahoma. A short trip from our suburban home in Oklahoma City, Red Rock Canyon is a fun place to go. Locally, it is a well known state park, albeit a small one. There are no towering mountains. But there are trails for hiking and rock walls for climbing. There are small playground areas with swings and slides, a small pond for fishing, and a wistful stream that runs through it. There’s a swimming pool open during the summer time along with a concession stand. The canyon walls that surround it are the most unique feature of this country park, with their red sandstone that set apart so brightly from the trees and the sky. As a kid, I can remember coming here with my parents.  Running around, hiking, and collecting rose rocks. There is nothing fancy about this sparse, but nature filled place. It’s beauty is primarily in the rustic nature and pure uniqueness of the surroundings. You have to look to see the beauty here. You have to be willing and interested, otherwise it would be easy to just see a red dirt canyon with not a lot to do other than wander around in the woods.
This is how I realized how open our childrens’ eyes are to the beauty of the outdoors. They were intrigued by every shade of rock. They wanted to follow every path to see where it led. They climbed every canyon wall they could conquer to see what lie atop. And they appreciated every view they beheld during their climbs. They stopped to carve their names in the sandstone, with full belief that it may remain there for an eternity. They found long sticks and used them as staffs and walking sticks. Each of them, regardless of their difference in age (they range from 19 months to 12 years) loved to be under the blue sky exploring this new and unchartered territory.
On a day to day basis our four kids are completely happy to play XBox games, watch movies, laugh at videos on YouTube, and play on our iphones. But after seeing that natural excitement come out in them all so easily, that inborn want to explore the world and be one with nature, I can’t help but think that I am doing them a disservice if I don’t actively support for them a childhood filled with nature and the outdoors.
When I was a child, a small Oklahoma red dirt ditch was a mountainous ravine in which my Barbies and my brother’s GI Joes fought along side one another to defend the universe. Every unturned board in the pasture had the potential to be hiding a snake or a gold mine underneath. The country was mine to explore and imagine. There are so many ways to find a connection to the world, but is there any so natural as discovering, exploring, and enjoying all that Mother Nature has to offer?
There are many things that we need to provide for our children: food, shelter, material needs, emotional support, healthcare, love, education, compassion. The list may have no end. But there is another important fundamental element that we need to provide our children access to in order to help them grow and learn in the world: the chance to commune with nature, to live a childhood natural and unbridled, to feel that innocent and inborn desire to explore, if only for moments at a time.
Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.  ~Kahlil Gibran
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Looking Inside

Happiness, Meditation

              

If happiness is based on how good the situations in our lives are, e.g. how much money we have, how good our relationships are, how healthy we are, then it would be to say that we have little control over how happy we are. You can work hard to make as much money as you want, but regardless of your predisposed social standing or hard earned education, there is no guarantee of having financial wealth. Having good, healthy relationships is a wonderful goal and I believe completely obtainable, but you still have a limited say in how and when this happens. All relationships take work, and when and how you will come across those people that you are the most compatible with is not really something that you can control. And you can work your whole life to be a healthy, fit individual and still have any amount of tragedies health wise.

If we are to admit that we have little control over the outward circumstances in our lives, to say that this is the source of our happiness is really a sad concept. However, if we look inside ourselves first to find inner peace, happiness, joy, we find a completely different outcome. I believe we all have it within ourselves to find these things if we allow ourselves the time and energy to do so. If we allow ourselves to see the beauty inside of our own beings, you are not only less dependent on the world around you to bring you joy, but you are also more likely to see the beauty in all that surrounds you.

This has been my recent endeavor: to change my way of thinking about happiness. My whole adult life I have done what so many of us do. I have worked so that I can make whatever amount of money I felt necessary for me to make at the time. I have searched for those relationships that made me the most happy at the time. I have focused on goals and things in life that I thought would make me feel complete in life and bring me more joy. While I don’t think it is a bad thing to work for things you want in life, all of these things are only situational and subject to change at any time no matter what my efforts. And if and when they do, when that amount of money no longer seems enough, when that relationship goes through hard times, when that sought after good health fails, what are we left with? If we change our way of thinking, though, if we look at happiness as something that dwells inside us always and is a part of us, then we no longer depend on these outer circumstances to make us so. And if we can find that inner peace and knowing of oneself, then doesn’t it seem logical that all those other things in life are more likely to fall into place? If your focus is finding peace within yourself, it seems more likely to me that your life will naturally reflect this, and you will almost subconsciously put yourself in those situations that are more conducive to that state of mind. If you take the time to give grace to yourself and learn the inner workings of your mind and heart, doesn’t it seem more likely that you will make better choices in the important areas of your life like career and relationships?

So, I am attempting to take myself out of the rat race, if only for moments at a time. I’m not quitting my job or pawning my parental responsibilities off on someone else. I still have many, many duties to take care of in life, and I will continue to embrace these. But I am making more time for myself. To meditate. To write. To read. To contemplate. To get to know myself again. To breathe. To be present. To look inside myself and attempt to listen to my heart and mind and relearn what it is that truly brings me joy. To try to see the world as it is: a constant state of change over which I have little control, but is still simply life rearranging itself.

The Pursuit of Happiness: My Preoccupation

Happiness

               

My love and preoccupation in life is the pursuit of happiness in the largest sense. I want to find ultimate fulfillment, peace, and joy in life, and I want to help others to do the same thing, primarily those I love the most because their joy and well being have a direct effect on my happiness. I want to spark the inspiration inside of others to believe that they can be truly happy and learn to live a life they love. This is not to say that I am just a super happy person whose life is great and everything is wonderful all the time. Far from it. My life has problems and chaos, just like everyone else’s. But I do not believe that true happiness, joy, and peace are situational concepts. I believe that they come from the inside and shine their way out. I believe these things come from an inner knowing of oneself and a feeling of being at peace with the world around you. No one can really take your peace and happiness away. It is a part of you. You can let it go, but that is a decision, probably an unconscious decision, but a decision made all the same. We will all hurt, feel pain, anger, and have bad things happen to us. But I believe that we can all find the strength and beauty within ourselves to seek out and experience ultimate happiness at the best of times, and at worst still have a deep inner peace during the hardest times of our lives.

My passions are living life, loving it, feeling it, making the most of it, learning what it truly means for me to make the most of it, and being able to share all this with others and inspire them to believe that they can do the same. We can explore the wonders of our hearts, minds, and souls. We can have peace. We can be happy.

Childhood According to Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychological Development

Mind, Parenting

silly pic

Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychological Development

Approximate Age

Virtues

Psycho Social Crisis

Significant Relationship

Existential Question

Examples

0–2 years Hopes Basic Trust vs. Mistrust Mother Can I Trust the World? Feeding, Abandonment
2–4 years Will Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt Parents Is It Okay To Be Me? Toilet Training, Clothing Themselves
4–5 years Purpose Initiative vs. Guilt Family Is It Okay For Me To Do, Move and Act? Exploring, Using Tools or Making Art
5–12 years Competence Industry vs. Inferiority Neighbors, School Can I Make It In The World Of People And Things? School, Sports
13–19 years Fidelity Identity vs. Role Confusion Peers, Role Model Who Am I? What Can I Be? Social Relationships
20–39 years Love Intimacy vs. Isolation Friends, Partners Can I Love? Romantic Relationships
40–64 years Care Generativity vs. Stagnation Household, Workmates Can I Make My Life Count? Work, Parenthood
65-death Wisdom Ego Integrity vs. Despair Mankind, My Kind Is It Okay To Have Been Me? Reflection on Life

I find the mind to be such a fascinating thing.  Our bodies and beings in general are living, breathing, thinking, and feeling miracles.  All of life is a beautiful gift, and for a person, the way we perceive the world around us is everything.  This is why I find psychology amazing.  I believe in endless possibilities through the power of the mind and our inner thoughts. These are the things I love to ponder.  This is what I want to share; the little bits and pieces of ideas, possibilities, and theories.  So, here is just a little piece, a simple well-known theory in the vast ocean of thoughts and ideas on the subject.

I was looking through some of my old psychology notes the other day and came across Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development.  Looking over this chart made so many thoughts occur to me, primarily when it comes to our children.

The first stage has to do with a baby having his or hers basic physical and emotional needs met.  Whether those needs are met or not will teach a child to either trust or mistrust their environment and the people around them.  If this is the case, it seems to me that this first lesson could affect a person throughout their whole life, for good or for bad.  This means much to me due to the fact that my own baby is at this developmental stage.  Meeting her physical and emotional needs may seem like the most obvious of important jobs there is for me to do for her. Still, knowing that how well I assure her that she can trust these needs to be met may effect how she trusts the world around her for the rest of her life really brings home the importance of what we do for her.

The second and third stages are also ones that are personal to me because this is about the area my son would currently be in, at four years old.  During the second stage, a child is learning the very beginning steps of being able to do things for themselves, such as feeding and dressing themselves and toileting on their own. Even these very simple milestones can provide a basis for a child becoming self sufficient.  Patience and encouragement from parents is very important for a child in this stage.  Encouraging a child to do for themselves will help promote a sense of autonomy, but expecting too much too soon, chastising a child’s failed attempts, or even being over protective and not allowing them to do for themselves can all instill a sense of self doubt and shame.  As a parent, I know that these are all fine lines that are easily crossed, even when a parent has the best of intentions.  Looking at this theory is a good reminder for me to encourage my son to do things for himself, while at the same time being patient and supportive as he learns how.

During Erikson’s third stage of his theory, a child builds on their feelings of autonomy and self sufficiency and develops a sense of initiative.  They start to do more tasks on their own, and their perceived success at these tasks may affect whether they continue to develop a healthy sense of initiative or feel guilt for not being able to complete the tasks.  Many times a task is within a child’s capabilities, such as putting their toys up, fastening their own seat belt, or effectively throwing a ball. Sometimes the task a child wants to complete is not within their capabilities.  I know we have all seen this.  My son, for example, is all the time wanting to do things that he can’t really do; like when he wants to help me carry in the groceries, but the bags are way too heavy for him, or when he wants to “help” fold the laundry.  Now, the latter is something that he will be able to do with practice, so I encourage him to help and praise him for what he does, even though in reality I’ll have to fold the laundry all over again.  There’s also the times he wants to do something way out of his capabilities, like the other night when he told me he wanted to build a spaceship so we could fly to the moon.  This brought a smile to my face because I love listening to his big dreams even if I know there is a pretty good chance he will never do this.  Still, I encouraged the idea because I don’t want to ever make him feel like he’s incapable of anything or not worthy of the effort.  He will know disappointment many times in his life and have plenty of opportunities to fail and feel inadequate.  I want him to believe in himself so that he is not afraid to try.

The fourth stage of development continues to build upon the child learning and developing their capabilities and to extend further into their ability to function in the society around them. Erikson viewed these elementary school years as critical in the development of a child’s self confidence.  They should be encouraged to discover and develop their own interests in order to find what they are good at and what they enjoy.  If their attempts are recognized and acknowledged, then they may develop increased self confidence. If they are not allowed to pursue interests, are ridiculed for their attempts or interests, or fail at attempts without further direction or encouragement it may cause them to develop feelings of inferiority.  I agree that this time in a child’s life is very important.  Adolescent years are very difficult. I remember feeling lost and insignificant at times around the ages of 10-13 years old… and beyond into my teenage years, for that matter.  I know that the things that made me feel good about myself and life were simple things like writing, reading, music, and nature.  They are all things that I still love.  I believe that encouraging children to find their own interests will help them to discover who they really are, which will help them to find and keep their own inner happiness.

Figuring out who they are is what his next stage is all about.  According to Erikson’s theory, during these teenage years of approximately 13-19 years old is when a person may be trying to find out who they are and how to fuse that with their role in society.  This may cause an “Identity Crisis” as they transition from childhood to adulthood.  Erikson believed that if a person were given the right amount of time and space to find their place, they may establish a strong sense of self identity and awareness of who they are.

While Erikson’s stages are meant to span the lifetime, some critiques say that it focuses more on childhood and early adulthood.  This may be so, but that is alright with me because these are the parts of his theory that I find the most interesting.  I believe that as people, we are amazingly capable of overcoming and even learning from our past, even if it may be filled with pain, tragedy, and/or mistakes.  But I also believe this takes work and is easiest accomplished with a good emotional support system.  I think that his theory gives credit to the fact that a person who has a difficult childhood may be more likely to have issues throughout the rest of their life.  I don’t think that should be used as an excuse to give up on oneself or someone else, but I do believe it should be remembered.  No matter where you are in life, it may not seem so bad if you look at where you started and what you have been through.  You may have climbed way more mountains than you give yourself credit for.  There is also debate over whether Erikson’s stages actually happen at these ages and if they actually are sequential.  According to Erikson, though, each of these processes occurs throughout the lifetime in one form or another.  He emphasizes these “phases” only because these are the times when the conflicts are likely to be the most prominent.  In my opinion, our world today is so different, way too complex and changing to simplify these major life stages into approximate ages. I’m pretty sure I was in my 30s before I really started to have a solid sense of who I am and what is most important to me, and I believe that these concepts are fluid and able to change, as everything does. However, I do believe that Erikson’s theory works well as a tool to give parents a better idea of what their child’s needs are, and it also reminds us to look back at where we have come from to help us see why we are where we are today.

References:

(1)  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson%27s_stages_of_psychosocial_development. Chart also taken from this site.

(2)  Erikson, Erik (1956). “The problem of ego identity” (pdf). Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association