When Life Brings You Down

Life is hard sometimes. There’s just no getting around it. There is tragedy that can happen at any moment. There are heartbreaks that we can’t plan for. There is death and sickness. And there are everyday stressors like finances, work stress, family and relationship struggles.

Life is just hard sometimes. Right now has been one of those times for me. And I don’t mind admitting it. There is nothing in particular wrong right now, but there are multiple stressors that mount up to feeling overwhelmed. And my family and I have known more than our fare share of loss, with two tragic and sad deaths of loved ones in the past few months.

I feel like I’ve been teeter-tottering with depression lately. Most days, I have an armory of tools that I use to fight this. I know the things that rejuvenate my soul. Exercise, nature, fresh air, supportive family and friends, a healthy diet, adequate rest, spiritual faith and connection, music, meditation, writing, art. I use all of these tools to improve my mood and health. 

The recent gray and cold weather, my hormones and menstrual cycles leaving me emotional, tired, and in pain, along with all the other stressors that are occurring in my life right now, has tipped the balance, and I have just wanted to cry for the past couple days, and have cried atleast a couple times. Not to mention the fact that the whole world has been living through a pandemic for the past two years, we’re currently also living with the stress of knowing that there is a terrifying and tragic war going on, and poverty abounds world-wide. There are really an unlimited amount of stressors and things to be sad over.

There have been days that I wanted to just lay in bed and cry.

And I’m not afraid to admit it. Life is hard sometimes. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we hurt. And that’s okay. It is an undeniable part of life.

What to do in times like these? Keep going. Rest if you need to. Cry if you need to. Take the time to listen to your body, and continue to feed it the things that you know nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Even if you don’t really feel like it. If you don’t have the energy or motivation to do the things that you know rejuvenate you, then take baby steps. 

You know exercise makes you feel better, but you can’t seem to make it to the gym? Find something you can do at home that’s quick and easy… do some squats or put your favorite song on and dance around the house. No energy for those things? Just spend 5 minutes stretching. It doesn’t require much time or energy, but is still so good for your body.

You know you need fruits and veggies to keep you feeling healthy, but making a healthy meal sounds tedious and/or expensive? Grab a piece of fruit or make sure you’re drinking plenty of water. Even just this small bit of healthiness helps.

Feel depressed, but don’t feel like talking about it or reaching out? Read or listen to something that you know is uplifting, spiritual, inspirational, or comforting. Meditating with a positive mantra can also help your emotional and mental state. But reaching out to someone you know will be supportive is really great, too. You don’t have to do it alone. People love you, I promise.

Feeling overwhelmed by all of life’s responsibilities and it’s sapping the motivation out of you? Make a list of your to-do’s and feel the satisfaction of checking them off your list as you complete them. Add the small things that occupy your time that we take for granted…. do the dishes, clean the bathroom, go to the grocery store, schedule your kid’s doctor appointment, pay your gas bill. Give yourself credit for the hundreds of tasks you complete everyday but don’t think much of because they are essential and daily.

I don’t think we give ourselves nearly enough credit for all the small tasks we do. But it’s the small steps that make up the big steps. They matter. And giving ourselves credit for completing them can serve as a great reminder of how hard we work and boost motivation.

Some of the things I’ve been doing to get out of my recent funk? 

Life seems overwhelming… I’ve been making a to-do list and checking off when tasks are completed!

Fighting feelings of depression and disconnect… I’ve been praying, reading an inspirational/spiritual book, went and spent time with my mama the other day, and did some meditation and writing this morning.

My body has been feeling tired. My menstrual cycle (which can be pretty rough with endometriosis) has had me hormonal, tired, and in pain. I’ve also had a mild sinus infection… So, I’ve been trying to make sure I get plenty of water, eat fruits and veggies as often as I can, get adequate sleep, and exercise.

None of these things will make you feel amazing immediately or solve your problems all at once. But trust the process. Know that these things are good for you. And if you can do them consistently, you WILL feel better and do better. You WILL eventually feel the benefits of such healthy habits.

Remembering and meditating on these basic truths can also help.

You are loved.

You are divine.

You are capable.

You are strong.

And, as always, consistency is key.

You can do this. You have everything you need inside you.

Mind. Body. Spirit. And What Lies Beneath.

Mind. Meditation is so, so good for me. Time is always an issue, but most days I am able to make 10 minutes for it. It helps clear my mind. It helps bring me to the present. It helps reduce anxiety. It helps me recognize underlying pains and stressors. All of it. And it helps me to write about it all, too. Wow!

I think it also helps with deep emotional healing. It seems like it must, intentionally sitting with your own thoughts in silence. During one meditation I realized an underlying need and fear. It’s a need to feel connected to those I love and have loved and a fear of not having that connection, either at this moment or in the future. A sort of intrinsic fear of loss and isolation. I acknowledged the existence of this pain, a deep and persistent pain and a fear of not feeling connected to those I love and to the world around me.

Admitting this pain’s existence somehow opened something in me. The pain was already there. To acknowledge it was acutely painful in that moment, but it also felt relieving in a way. Like taking off a bandaid or removing a cast. The pain was still there, even more raw and fresh in that moment, but somehow more bearable in the fact that I was admitting to myself that it was always there. The moment brought tears to my eyes. Tears of grief, tears of gratitude, tears of release.

Life is all about balance. A good example is the constant balance between being a living, feeling, and damaged human with real emotional pains that may never completely go away, while still being a functioning and thriving person, believing in and working for a bright future.

Doing all the things that life requires of us everyday to live and function in society, while simultaneously dealing with all our past experiences and pains, and still using hope to look forward to tomorrow.

The balance between learning from and remembering your past mistakes and hardships but not living in regret and sadness.

The balance of carrying around all your hurts and past experiences, but not letting those things unintentionally run your life and decisions.

It would seem that would be easier to do if we acknowledge any underlying pain, rather than try to live like it’s not there.

Meditation helps me to identify these underlying feelings of pain and anxiety. Focusing on my breathing helps to bring me back to my center. To here. To now. To the present. There is less fear and worry in the present because you are only focused on what is here and now.

Even my fears of not feeling connected to those I love don’t seem as scary when acknowledged and faced. In fact, these emotions are really completely unfounded. Those who love me, they’re love is strong. Those I have lost have taken the same journey we shall all take at some point. There is still beauty and love all throughout the world. And I only have to seek connection to see that it always exists.

All the universe is still connected. We are all still floating in this giant, beautiful monstrosity of molecular soup we call reality.

We are all connected and in this together.

My son, Dylan, sitting down to meditate with me several years ago. Too cute not to share ❤

Mind. Body. Spirit… Reloaded.

I’ve done this before. This is not the first time I have intentionally focused on becoming a healthier, happier version of myself. I’ve learned alot throughout my soul searching journey. I’ve read books and tried new things in active pursuit of health and happiness. I am in no way starting from square one. I am already equipped with numerous tools and knowledge to help along the way.

Not all days are easy, though. Most days it can be difficult to make time for healthy habits. Life is busy. It’s hard to find time to devote to ourselves and our wellbeing on a daily basis. But shouldn’t that be the most important thing that we tend to?

Mind. Meditation has been very good for me! It’s helping to decrease stress and helps me in working through emotional pains. I am still doing 10 minutes approximately 3-4 days per week, with a goal of daily. Most of the time when I’m meditating I am merely trying to focus on my center and be mindful of my thoughts. The easiest way I’ve found to do this is by focusing on and controlling my breathing. I normally start my meditation by counting slow, deep breaths (count each breath 1-4, and then start over).

Breathing is not only at our center, but it is also unique because unlike so many other systems of the body, we can voluntarily control our breathing. If you’re not thinking about it, though, your body will breathe for you automatically. Our thoughts are the same in this respect. If we’re not paying attention, our thoughts will run whichever direction, but we can control them if we focus.

You can learn alot about yourself by listening and paying attention to where your thoughts go without your intentional direction.

Sit with yourself and listen to yourself. And when you are bored and think you are done, listen some more. Go beneath the layers of ego and life experiences to the center, to the heart of you. Because the best way to listen to your heart is with a clear and conscious mind.

I use breathing to keep me centered. When my mind runs away, I come back to my center by focusing on and counting those slow deep breaths.

I’ve found that meditation also helps me with writing. Inspirational thoughts flow more easily after I’ve been meditating. I feel like I can think clearer and deeper.

And writing is great therapy. It’s not about being a good writer. There is an infinite amount of people whose eloquent words are far more profound than mine. I write because it helps me figure things out. It helps me arrange and convey ideas. If it sounds pretty and moves someone, then that is amazing! But if it causes a connection, birth of ideas, or just helps me process and make sense of the world around me, then that is enough for me.

Body.        I’m still working out! Life is busy, though! I don’t have to tell anyone that. It’s hard for most people to make the time for exercise. I have alot of other responsibilities. Work, doctor’s appointments, PTA duties, sports schedules, all the household responsibilities. On some days a formal workout is the least important thing on the schedule. So I’m not too hard on myself if I don’t make it to the gym.

All three of our school-aged children are currently playing sports. I love that they are being active AND learning new skills. Their activity encourages me, too, even though the sports’ practice schedules might make hitting the gym more challenging. When they are out practicing and playing their little hearts out, it encourages me to do the same. I even started just running around the park that they practice at, so I still get some exercise in while they’re playing.

I do love making it to the gym, though! I can’t ever say enough about how much better a good workout makes me feel physically, and as a result, mentally and emotionally too. It brightens my spirits so much! I have to always remember this when I’m feeling tired and drained.

Sometimes when I’m tired it’s because I need rest, but often times getting going when I don’t want to will make me want to get going!

Energy produces energy!

It’s up to me to find  the balance.

My most recent health goal is simple:

Hydrate. Hydrate. And hydrate some more.

I love water. But I still somehow frequently forget to drink it! So, I am armed with my new favorite cup that keeps my water cold forever. And I have plans for my next tatoo:

                                  شرب المزيد من الماء

It’s beautiful, isn’t it?! It is Arabic for “drink more water” (according to Google translate). And I want it! LOL (I think it will go great on my inner forearm!)

Spirit.        I continue my spiritual journey. Still on the lookout for a good home church where I feel connected to the people, can agree with their beliefs, and that my kids love. That is the big kicker. Our current church has great sermons, but my kids aren’t particularly crazy about it. And that means alot to me.

Our church does offer online services as well, though. So, I have both watched their online services and tried to go to church in person with family and friends. The recent online sermons were spot on with the things I have been thinking about and trying to focus on. One sermon talked about being still and not being so busy that you miss out on the things that are most important. Another sermon talked about being mindful of our thoughts and actions, and not living life constantly distracted. Another sermon focused on the power of prayer.

It amazes me, and I love it when a good sermon aligns with the things that are on my heart and mind!

We did recently make it to church with my mom, too. My two younger sisters were both there, along with my nephew and brother in-law. I loved being there with my family! Honestly, even if the sermon weren’t that great, I would have still enjoyed it, just to have that sweet time with my family!

The sermon did not speak to me deeply, but there were still plenty of times that I was moved during the service, even moved to sweet, love-filled tears.

Singing praise and worship songs with my mom standing next to me. Embracing my baby girl who stood in front of me, sweetly swaying to the music with me.

Then the pastor told us to lay our hand in prayer on someone next to us. My mom looked thoughtfully at my son standing next to her and placed her hand on his shoulder. Gabe tightened his arm around me gently. I squeezed Rowan a lttle bit closer and placed my other hand on my mom’s back.

And we all prayed together. It was such a simple moment. But so sweet. And so powerful.

Even if you don’t believe in God, it still seems it must be so powerful to gather with the ones you love, lay hands on eachother, and verbalize to the universe our expressed want for good and prosperity to all. It seems like it could be simple science that such energy released into the world would help these things occur. Especially when done in love, with those you care for.

Yes, life is busy and often crazy. I can’t necessarily control that. But I can tend to my own health and wellbeing. I have many responsibilities. I accept and even love that fact. I’m grateful to have so much to have to work hard for everyday.

And that just makes it even more important for me to care for myself.

I hope reading this inspires you to make your health and happiness a high priority!

Do you have tips for healthier living and pursuit of happiness? I would love to hear from you!

Our girls at soccer practice, making new friends and playing outside 💙

Mind. Body. Spirit… And Again

Mind. Body. Spirit.

These are the things I have been trying to focus on for the past couple of weeks. I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I could benefit from re-energizing my soul and refocusing my energy to the things that are most important. This is not necessarily to say that I haven’t been focusing my energy on what’s most important. I work my butt off everyday to take care of my children, our home, my job, our bills. All the things. But I believe that with taking the time to focus inward, I can find ways to live a healthier and more mindful life. So this is where I am starting.

Mind. I have begun meditating again! I am only beginning with short sessions. I’ve been doing 10 minutes on most days for over a week now. It’s not much, but I think it is a positive thing. I think it is helping me to be more mindful of my thoughts and emotions. I feel like a lot of emphasis is put on the relaxation and stress relief that can come from meditation, but it also helps a person to be more mindful in their everyday thinking.

Often when I’m meditating, I am listening to my own thoughts. My mind wanders, I try to listen and pay attention without judging. And it makes me more mindful of the thoughts going through my head. It would make sense that intentionally practicing this would make it occur more naturally in your everyday life. The more mindful I am of my thoughts, the more mindful I will be of my actions.

I love the simplicity of meditation, also. Literally just sitting and listening to my own thoughts. The thing that always occurs to me the most is how hard my brain works. The thoughts are always coming. And it has some amazing ideas. I don’t necessarily want it to be quiet during meditation, but I do want to be aware of what I am thinking. This allows me to appreciate the intricacy of these ideas and emotions, but also be more conscious of what they are.

Our brains are so amazing. They hold so many complex ideas, thoughts, and memories. If all this information were in physical form, it would have to be sorted through, filed, stored, and cared for. Our brain does all this for us, but shouldn’t we be paying attention to what thoughts we’re accessing the most?

I ended my meditation today with a mantra.

I am safe. I am strong. I am loved. I am creative. I am divine. 

Because the little things we tell ourselves are so important. And because it is true.

Body. I’ve done pretty good keeping up with working out. My continuous goal is to get some kind of good exercise ATLEAST 3-4 times a week, for ATLEAST 30-40 minutes. Of course, life gets in the way sometimes and it helps to improvise. Last week I only exercised on 3 days, but we also went to White Water AND Frontier City BOTH on Saturday, with 4 kids. I would definitely count that as a workout! 

I love my workout sessions, but it’s always best with good company! And I love getting our kids to do healthy things like exercise! Gabe and I almost always work out together, and Caleb and Dylan (our sons) frequently join us. I try to exercise and be active with our kids as much as possible, but it can be hard between my work schedule and their school schedules. We will keep trying to make physical activity a daily priority and looking for creative ways to exercise when hitting the gym is too much!

Spirit. I continue to pray with our kids every morning. It’s my favorite part of our schooldays ritual. I pray with each one of them while I give them a big, long hug. Good hugs are supposed to be very good for both your mental and physical health. I hug our kids often, but during the school year, before they head out the door, I make a point to hug them while I pray out loud with them. 
My prayers are mostly all similar. I pray for their safety, that God helps them to be kind and compassionate to everyone around them, and that God helps others to be kind and compassionate to them. I pray that God helps them to learn and be respectful to the teachers and staff, and I pray that God helps the teachers to teach them and to help them to be patient with them while doing so. I pray that the Lord helps them to make good choices, keeps them safe, and helps them to have a great day. 

Then I tell them how much we love them and all the wonderful things about them, which ends up sounding something like the mantra I sometimes repeat to myself, but more individualized to each of their own personalities.

You are safe. You are strong. You are loved. You are kind. You are smart. You are beautiful. You are creative. You are important.

Because the little things your loved ones tell you can matter, too. And because it is true.

It sounds cheesy, but I love it. It is definitely the best part of my morning, and I hope it’s the best part of theirs, too.
And it’s probably the best spiritual practice that I do regularly at this time.

I’m planning on finding  some new books to read, some self-help type, inspirational books and something spiritual that I can study daily. I would like to start scheduling a daily reading time to help focus more on my spirituality. We’re also planning to go to church this weekend. I’d like to go with my mom, but Rowan also mentioned wanting to go back to LifeChurch, so maybe we’ll do that, and then go see my mama.

Regardless, I feel good about the fact that I am still pursuing my spirituality, and the main place where I focus those activities is with my children, even if it is mainly just praying over their day with them almost every morning, and our bedtime prayers at night.

I hope our daily prayer is something they will always remember and carry with them.

I know God loves me and that as part of creation, we are all divine and have the right to be here. I want my kids to know the same.

Mind, body, spirit. These are the things I am trying to make more of a conscious effort to focus my energy on.

Daily. Regularly. Spending more time focusing inward to contemplate the things in life that increase health and well-being, and put more energy into those things.

And this is where I am going to write about it.

Family time with my crew at Frontier City Amusement Park the other day ❤

New Year’s Revolution

Shake the dust off my spirit

Rekindle the fire inside my heart

Revolt against the darkness

That tried to tear my dreams apart

I know that a lot of people are burned out on New Year’s resolutions. I, however, am not. Why? Well, it’s not necessarily because New Year’s resolutions always work out and change your life for the better. It’s simply because I believe that any day, any moment, is a good time to make positive changes in your life. And let’s face it, in our culture it’s kind of needed after the winter holiday season.

The holidays can be such a busy time. Which is great. I love spending time with family and friends. I love Christmas. I love New Years. When it’s all said and done, though, we are normally left with some type of burnout. We have ate/drank too much, played too much, spent too much, and had to work too much to make the money to pay for it all. By the time the holidays are over, it’s pretty much time for an emotional and physical health rehabilitation.

So, I choose for mine to begin today. The kids are back to school, and I am out of school. This should leave me with more time to focus on self-reflection and working on things that make me feel healthy and happy.

My New year’s resolutions? My resolutions are pretty much always the same lofty goals: continue to become better at caring for myself and those around me… mind, body, and soul.

I did actually set a concrete resolution for myself, though, and it should really be a pretty easy one. This will be the year that I start actually going to the doctor! Yes, this nurse is probably one of the worst people at taking herself to the doctor. At the tender age of 40 years old, though, I figure it is time to start getting better in this area. It is a concrete goal that should be fairly easy to accomplish, but is still a step towards breaking old, bad habits (such as not taking the time to fully care for myself).

But my real goal for my future-self is to revolt. Revolt against negative thoughts. Revolt against people/things that hinder my own growth. Revolt against bad habits that take away from my health and prosperity.

And embrace. Embrace the beauty and love that surrounds us everywhere. Embrace my own strength and empowerment. Embrace this ever-changing thing we call life. And even embrace the pain that comes with it at times. Embrace it, acknowledge it, deal with it, and then let it go and learn from it.

These are my goals. What are yours?

Today is the first day of the rest of my life! And I am so grateful and excited to have that chance (again)!

Nature’s Healing Love

Oh, great wind, unsheathe my eyes

Blow away the dust

Reveal to me a world so great

And all the things I love

 

For the world’s turmoil

has tarnished my heart

And only the sun’s rays may return it’s shine

 

The colors of the land

may reveal the plan

and paint the gleam back into my eyes

 

My feet long to feel the earth,

my skin longs to touch the grass

Sweet dreams from the sky fill my mind

Rejuvenate my soul at last

 

Let the rains shower over me

To cleanse me of the pain

Refresh my spirit and my heart

So that I may feel your love and live again

Photo: Muir Woods 2012

Trying to find the words…

It’s been right at three months since Timothy Sean Mallory was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was my lover, best friend, father of my children, partner in crime, and so much more. There have been moments when it felt like the whole world was crumbling around me. I really would have never imagined how awful it is to lose someone that you love so much and also share every facet of your life with. I have lost loved ones in the past, the most painful prior to this being my dad. Losing my beautiful lover is a whole new, awful experience, though.

The first month or two after the accident were heartbreaking, busy, and surreal. Most of my days were spent taking care of “things”, ranging from all the craziness and painfulness of planning and having the memorial (I still have a hard time calling it a funeral) to taking care of our financial and legal affairs. I suddenly found myself having to re-arrange mine and my children’s lives and routines into this “new normal” that we now had to live without their Daddy. Most nights in the beginning, I found it hard to function/cope without a bottle of wine or a Xanax or something to help me sleep. During this time, I’ve had so many people say to me “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” My response is always the same: “I don’t want you to.” I would never want anyone to have to go through this. Of all these hardest first moments, having to tell my children that their beautiful father died was the most heartbreaking.

I try to remember the things I truly believe. Timothy is still here with us in some shape or form. All matter that is created can never be destroyed. His essence and spirit can never be destroyed. I feel his presence with me so much. The imprint he made on the world can never be un-done. I’m coming to the strange realization that it’s the permanence of our current life that is the true illusion. Change is the only real constant. Just because his physical self changed, does not make him any less a part of this universe: in heaven, as an angel, a continued energy force… whatever you choose to believe.

Everything is a first for us now, though. The first time I took our two youngest children (7 year old boy and 3 year old girl) to the movies by myself and without their daddy. The first time I ate at our favorite sushi restaurant. The first family get-together (on Mother’s Day) without him. The first time I made homemade potato soup without him. The first time I went to work and had to hold it together. Every day there is still some first without him. We didn’t do EVERYTHING together, but he was still a part of everything I did.

I was able to take almost two months off work, which I am very grateful for. I don’t know how I would have been able to make it those first two months if I had to function everyday like everything was normal. There were many days during that time when I may just break down crying at any given moment. The tears and pain may last for a few moments, or stay with me all day. I looked to the internet one night when I was in the throes of one of those heartbreaking moments to try to find advice and/or solace. I typed in “my husband died” and found story after story of women of all ages going through the same thing I and my family are. In ways, it was helpful. The women who spoke of losing their husband recently, as I had, shared similar feelings and issues as what I have dealt with. The women who were farther along in their journey, who had lost their husband years before, still spoke of pain, but they also spoke of hope. They talked about the pain still being there, but they eventually started to have more good days than bad. And may have even eventually found peace and happiness.

This is what I hope for. I know I will always love him. I will always miss him and wish he could have stayed in this life with us for longer. But I hope that eventually I (we all) will slowly grow from all this. That we’ll be able to remember him and think of him with love and happiness and less pain and longing. There have seemed to be more good days recently, but I know it’s still going to hurt like crazy for a long time. I love him too much and miss him too much for the healing process to happen any other way. But I do have good days. We have lots of people who have loved us and supported us through this, which means so much. I do still feel his love. I do feel hope and peace at times. And right now, I’m just grateful for that.

To My Babies… The Hardest Letter I will ever write to you

Out of all the things I’ve wanted to say to you during your little lives, this was a letter I never thought I would write to you, nor would I ever, ever want to. Our family is going through such a hard time now. Your father, who we all loved so deeply, died in a motorcycle accident at the young age of 45. I never, ever wanted you (or anyone, for that matter) to experience such tragedy. Most days I still can’t comprehend the idea that he is no longer living with us. How such a beautiful light could just go out so quickly is beyond my comprehension. And his poor, sweet children. Rowan is 3 (going on 16), Dylan is 6, Sebastian is 12, Sarah is 15, and Justin is 26. He loved you all so much. The love that I shared with your father was passionate, deep, strong, and sometimes crazy. But we were most beautiful when we were all together as a family. We truly made such a beautiful family.

I love him and miss him so much. I cry so many times just at the thought of not ever being able to hold him, talk to him, laugh with him, kiss him, and go through with all the crazy plans we had for life with him. But it is really all of his kids that my heart breaks for most. There are so many things that make the situation so tragic. From the idea of my love being injured and hurt so bad that his life was lost in the blink of an eye, to the fact of someone so charismatic, funny, talented, charming, and hard-working no longer living amongst us. To how many people loved him and are truly devastated by this loss. But the worst is for his beautiful children who lost their beautiful father. My heart breaks the most for all of you.

Dylan and Rowan, I know you both hurt so bad over this, and yet, you are so young that I can’t imagine that you really understand what’s going on. I hate the fact that you only had him in your life for such a short time. Dylan, you have always been a happy child. You are just as playfully mischievous as your father. But I know you are hurting right now. You don’t talk about it much. You talk about Daddy in good ways. You’ll talk about random stories about him, but you don’t talk about your pain or even how much you miss him. I’m pretty sure your strong little heart is just trying to be brave and keep going. Rowan, I know you don’t really understand at 3 years old what has happened. You just know that Daddy’s not here and you miss him. You tell me so many times a day how you want Daddy. It breaks my heart that I can’t give him to you. I found one of his t-shirts the other day that he wore frequently. It hadn’t been washed, and it still smelt like him. I rubbed my face in it and clung to it. A while later that day, you were upset about something, and I remembered the t-shirt. I gave it to you and told you to smell it. You stuck your face in it, and all the sudden you lit up. “Daddy’s shirt!” you exclaimed. It made you feel so good, just to smell his scent and hold that old cotton t-shirt. You carried the shirt around for days. I finally put it up, in the hopes it might hold on to his scent a little while longer so that I could give it to you when you start to get sad and missing him.

We were in the car today; Dylan, Rowan, and I. Rowan, you had just gotten an Elsa doll that sings “Let It Go” from the movie Frozen. As you were sitting in the backseat singing along, I had a sudden memory of your dad singing that song with you. He was really the one that got you singing it in the first place, when you were only like 2 years old. You would start to sing it, and then your dad would start singing along with you, loud and proud. You loved it. He used to sing it with you all the time. We all did. But your dad was the one that really started it. As the memory hit me while we were driving in the car, I started to get a little emotional. I turned and asked you, Dylan, if you remembered Daddy always singing that song with Rowan. You smiled sheepishly and sweetly and said yes, and I could tell you really did remember, too. I asked you how you were doing. “I’m good”, you replied, as is a pretty normal response for you. I asked you if you miss Daddy. You said yes. I was thinking how I don’t ever really see you get visibly upset about losing daddy. I see you get upset, much more frequently than normal. I know you miss daddy, but you just don’t normally say that you miss daddy and it hurts. As I was asking you if you missed him and starting to tear up myself, I think you must have known my thoughts because  you simply said “My heart is crying.” It was the most honest, poetic, adult thing I’ve ever heard you say. I know your heart is crying, baby. And I am so sorry that all of you are having to go through this.

I love you. I love you all so much. And your Daddy does, too. He is watching over us, with a soul that is at peace, loving us, wanting us to be happy. But it still hurts so much. I pray for strength to be a good mama to you throughout all of your lives. I want you to know how many people have loved and supported us through this awful time. I want you to know that there is still so much beauty in the world and that we can still have beautiful lives, no matter the pain we feel from not being able to physically live it and share it with him. I want you to know that his beauty and everything about him still lives on in all of you and in every life that he touched, which was so many. And I pray that I may let him live on through me, all of his quirkiness and love of life, so that you can still grow up with that piece of him in your life.

I love you all so much. Out of all the amazing and beautiful things your dad did in life, the most precious are the beautiful children that he gave us. I am grateful for you that are mine by birth, and for my stepkids (who already have beautiful mamas that love them). You are all wonderful gifts to us from your father.

I love you always and forever.

To the moon and back. That’s what your dad always said.

Sincerely,

Your Mama

 

To My Sexy Man

I never stood a chance. From the first time I met you, you enchanted me. Those that know me well, know the nitty-gritty, funny, crazy details of how we met and fell in love. Those are stories that I will someday giggle about with our children, when they are old enough to know what it feels like to fall in love. I never loved any man as passionately as I loved you, and I always love passionately.

When I fell for you, it wasn’t my first time, nor was it yours. We had both known love and felt it’s depths, both high and low. But the love I felt for you surpassed all that. At 28 years old, I was suddenly transformed into a love-crazed teenager. There was nothing I wanted more than to be near you, to hang out with you, to touch you. And that feeling has lasted FOR SO MANY YEARS. I have never fallen, and can never imagine falling again, in love so much with someone. You took my breath away.

That was so long ago. I’ve felt your body and held your presence so many times. We have fought and cried and loved so much. What I am so grateful for now, though, is how much our love has endured. Time, struggle, pain, heartbreak, healing. And after it all, I am still a love-crazy teenager for you. More than that, I KNOW YOU. I know everything awful and beautiful about you, and you know every ugly and beautiful side of me. AND WE STILL LOVE EACHOTHER. You are still the man that makes me hot, and the first person I want to hang out with.

It has not always been easy. Anyone that knows us well knows that. But we never gave up on our love. And I’m so glad for it. You have a beautiful soul. We have a beautiful love. We have a gorgeous, sweet family. And I love you so much, sexy. Always. Thank you for your sweet love ❤

 

 

Importance of Nurturing Our Creativity

One of the major pitfalls of mainstream American culture is our lack of acknowledgement of how important creativity is. Of course, we’ll all say it’s important. We can recite quotes and spout off statistics about the importance of creative thinking in business and life. We’ll pay ridiculous amounts of money to go to concerts or shows to watch someone else be creative. We’ll pay money for art or pretty things that someone else created while they were doing what they loved. But as a whole, the society that we live in puts much greater importance on making money and gives a lot less attention to the importance of just living and allowing ourselves to be creative, even in the little in-between moments. Art and creativity are only valued if it’s deemed to be worth money.

As children we are all effortlessly creative in our own ways.

Seeing everything for the first time, we see the world with such potential and limitless possibilities. From the time we start school, though, we are already being programmed to learn a certain curriculum in a certain way over a certain period of time. To regurgitate facts back so that we can make good test scores on information that we do not care about and will soon forget.

As adults, we are seldom encouraged to follow our passions or creativities unless there is a good paycheck expected to come behind it.

Do I have an answer to change our society from it’s petty, money-lusted ways? Not really. The machine is too big. The domination of greed too vast.

But I will suggest this: Do not underestimate the importance of even the littlest moments of joy and creativity in your life. It may be letting yourself be inspired by nature, falling in love with a melody, doodling a flower, writing a poem, cooking a delicious meal with love, or just coloring with your kid. (or writing a cheesy blog 😉 ) Whatever it is that puts you in the present moment and makes you appreciate the little things in life. Whatever it is that helps you imagine and dream. That is when you find your creativity. That is where ideas are born. It is important. It should be nurtured. Even these smallest moments of inspiration and creativity are not idle, wasted moments. And we should not treat them as such. For it is in these moments that we find the beauty of our humanity.